Stitches

Hey Guyss!! Please help me? Is this Persenal Statement written good for university?

Hey everyone, I am applying to university in London.. I want to do fashion, I have abig passion and very creaive.. So could you please check it, and if its sounds bad or wrong, please tell me, I am applying tomorrow .. so I a bit nervious and scared .. Please please read and tell me what you think, thank you guys so much! I was born in Ashgabat, Turkmenistan. For the last 6 years I have studied and lived in Barnsley. I love fashion, when I was little girl I used to make clothes for my dolls. My dream is to open a small boutique in New York because, last year I have visited New York with my present college and I am now on the thought of returning and living there. I saw the range of shops of designers and I knew that I need to continue my studies and achieve a degree so I could be part of the fashion scene. I am currently studying at Barnsley College and taking my National Diploma in Fashion which covers a variety of subjects related to fashion: fashion history, marketing, textiles, pattern cutting, garment construction, fashion presentation and illustration. At Sheffield College I am retaking my English and maths GCSE’s. My favourite subject at college is design and illustration, I have worked hard to develop my drawing skulls and I can now use my primary and secondary research to develop my designs through sketchbook research. My design work is also presented on design boards which will make up part of my portfolio. I also enjoy textiles creating fabrics from threads and other materials that at first do no appear to go together but when I have experimented with stitching, burning and cutting away I end up with a lovely piece of work that I can then take into my designs and garments. My pattern cutting and garment construction skills have improved over the last two years by attending the demonstrating and creating samples and garments I am now quite confident when sewing my final garments. I receive a really good grade for my dress inspired by the culture of Japan, it was very quite difficult to make and contained some labour intensive techniques. I combine my studies with a part time job at a local bar, I have learnt to have patience and customers understanding especially at 11.00 pm when the drinks have been flowing freely. In my spare time I like taking photographs and visiting museums, the last exhibition I went to was the Vivienne Westwood shoe exhibition hosted at the Civic in Barnsley, and while in New York I went to the Momma. I have also visited Madam Tussaud’s in London. I would like to further my studies by going to university, this would enable me to improve my skills even more and develop as a person. I already live in a student accommodation in Barnsley but I would like to meet new people and have a change of scenery.

Public Comments

1. At the start write: last year I visited New York with my college and I am now thinking of returning and living there. drawing skills - not skulls I received - instead of i receive If you play any sports or anything mention that aswell. Good luck :)
2. his doesn't make sense...New York because, last year I have visited New York with my present college and I am now on the thought of returning and living there I saw the range of shops of designer wear. There are no shops of designers. Or could it be you saw a range of designer wear. develop my drawing skulls and I can now >>.skills....with skulls your into a very different fashion world. Remove the 's' from customers. customer understanding. Otherwise it seems your seeking understanding from customers...you wish. >>>would like to further my studies by going to university, this would enable me to improve my skills even more and develop as a person. I already live in a student accommodation in Barnsley but I would like to meet new people and have a change of scenery. Change this around to: I already live in a student accommodation in Barnsley and I would like to further my studies by going to university, this would enable me to improve my skills even more and develop as a person. Watch your spelling, please use spell check and do not try to be creaive but creative. Good luck
3. Don't put too much in a personal statement, someone has to read it! Apart from spelling and grammar keep it simple and neat. Put all similar information in the same paragraph. If you have an afterthought don't just shove it anywhere. Look to see where it best fits and re-arrange your sentences to accommodate it. It won't go down very well that you want someone to train and ?pay you in England, yet you want to work in New York. Why not apply to New York? They will be more tolerant of your incorrect English.