Stitches - what do you think of my lyrics?

what do you think of my lyrics?

loyal servants of the king falling castles everything, chandlers turn to dust so tell me have you had enuf but we will run threw the fire our burning desire we need to come home but its gone, goonneee smoke burns threw sky i see your face threw clouded eyes i cant breathe there hate suffocates me but i will run threw the fire my hearts desire i need to find my home i need to come home we will march threw the ashes of what we used to love where is everything and what has it become where are you and what have i done.. the stitches come undone the war is yet to be won but i wont give up until i see you next to me... its about completely screwing something up and trying to fix it trying so desperately to get things back to normal even if everything is in ashes.. so what do you think? haha my friend carol typed this up :P sorry bout the spelling but one day soon u will see all of our names in lights! (i would say the band name but i dont wanna ge people stealin the name) :P

Public Comments

ITS BEAUTIFUL, Good job! ;D
"threw clouded eyes" should be "through clouded eyes" "there hate suffocates" should be "their hate suffocates" There's a few other phrases in which the wrong word was placed. But the overall organization is good. Now just figure out a melody to go with it, and you're all set.
It's very nice although everyone needs improvements. I'm nice, so my judgement might not be as good as other's here. I see you have.. many mispellings within your lyrics, which honestly really doesn't matter. I don't see a chorus or a refrain, like a regular song would have. Though the lyrics are very nicely written, out of ten, I'd give you a solid seven and a half.
To me the lyrics are beautiful
It has potential. It don't know if you are trying to establish a style, but some of the phrases are confusing. For instance: -- goonneee smoke burns threw sky, I have no idea know what gooneee smoke is. -- there hate suffocates me. I am not sure if "there" refers to a location where you feel hate, or if it refers to the hate from loyal servants. You seem to have talent, but you will never get published until you get the spelling under control. The misspellings detract from your concept, because the reader has to try and figure out what the word could be, or could mean.
It's awesome, but work on your grammar !