Stitches

How's my story so far?

Ever since I can remember, the countryside has been off limits. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t dare ask. Except for once, I got up the courage to ask my mother why it was so bad. She didn’t respond but only look up solemnly from her needlework, letting out the faintest sigh, her usually lively green eyes dulling. Years have passed since then and only now has the wonderment of the hills come back to me. I found everyday things I used to do without any complaining boring and dull. Things had lost their crisp, sharpness, so that’s when I decided I had to know what the hills were hiding. That night I prepared to explore. “Goodnight Dara,” whispered my mom, softly tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear, and shutting the door. I lay in bed only for a few moments longer as I listened to her light footsteps fading down the hallway, then I jumped into action. I sat up and reached under my pillow, my hands meeting a cold and waxy candle I had hidden under there the night before. I reached for a match off my side table and struck it. The candle’s luminous glow filled the room, making it easier for me to find my bag. I got it a few years back for my birthday. Father made it especially for me by stitching my initials on it. As I am making my way over to my door a loud screeching noise fills the air and I fall back onto my bed in surprise. I push myself up using my arms and walk over to the window. Looking out I see lights filling almost all the homes of the village as families wake up in a startled stir. Sounds like the alarm, I thought to myself. I fling open my door and run down the hallway yelling,” Mom! Dad! Be right back! I’m going down to town hall to find out what’s up,” as I ran out the front door. So I run down the road past the bakery and up a few more buildings till I got to the town hall. The sound was louder than ever now that I am closer to the source, it’s the town emergency bell and something terrible has happened. As I enter through the big termite worn doors, I hit a wall of people blocking my view of the town wise, Gaelin. I can barely hear his voice over the confused chatter of everyone in the room. With the bell ringing overhead all I heard was one word. Sacrifice. “Please! People! Quiet down so we can all settle this out,” Gaelin’s booming voice filled the room and instantly silenced it. The sound of the bell even stopped. Gaelin had long silvery strands of hair that fell upon his shoulder limply. He was dressed in a robe adorned with red and black symbols. Everyone knew there was only one reason why such an ominous cloth would be brought out of the dark. There has been a death. The villagers crowded in one big mob raised their hands upright to show respect to the elder and their eyes met the floor out of embarrassment. Gaelin raised his wrinkled hand outwards in response, accepting their apology and began to speak. “Tonight, a deadly monster has come back to haunt us once more. Tonight this monster takes on the form of a kidnapper, taking one of our own children…” he trailed off, tears welling up in his eyes. A cry of grief is heard from a woman in the back of the crowd. She comes forward and I recognize her as the doctor’s wife as she screams out to Gaelin,” My daughter! Eliza is gone! Why’d did all of you let her go out there?” Reponses like,”You should’ve kept an eye on that child” and “It’s too late, the old woman is probably already cutting her up,” were scattered throughout the crowd, spoken in such monstrous indecency to a woman who has lost her only child, that I cannot even continue to record the banter. SMACK! Gaelin pounds his fist on the makeshift podium, and it falters a little. “How? How can such decent and caring people such as you be such demons to a woman who merely wants her little girl back?” his eyes scanning the crowd locks sights with someone I can’t see and he begins to speak again. The hall is quiet. “I have already consulted with the Elders and we have agreed that our next line of action is to be executed swiftly and without question. We have decided that to keep our children safe, that the sacrificial ceremonies to this monster must be started once more.” Many gasped whilst others quietly turned around and walked out. Many, in fact, chose to leave after this statement that half the room was gone in a mere two minutes and I was free to move towards the front. What direction should I go with the story? Any thing I need to work on? :) thanks

Public Comments

1. The first paragraph makes no sense. Almost every action you describe you have first told us what the action will be. Sometimes this gives the reader a bit of suspense, but more often it just summarizes what is about to happen. Get someone to read it because writers know what they mean, but they aren't always able to make it clear for the readers. There are also some tense changes, sometimes you write in past tense and sometimes in present tense. Your character seems ready to sneak out for some purpose, but the town meeting seems to be a surprise to her. That's what it sounds like, since she's packing a bag, but notices the townspeople gathering after that. I suppose the next thing to do is have her call some friends and they decide to go after the monster.